Proofreader/Editor: Kaima, Hwarang
Noah wasn’t feeble at drinking. He barely got drunk no matter how much he drank. But the problem was, if he passes a certain limit of alcohol consumption, say for example more than a bottle of wine, his suppressed mental illness returned.
Just like that, Noah would go back to the time when his mental state was the weakest, between sixteen and eighteen. And if he tried to go to sleep, he dreamed of his childhood. Of course, he had dreams of getting kidnapped occasionally, but if there was alcohol involved, that dream got extremely realistic and detailed.
Noah could not withstand the dream that was so realistic and made him feel like throwing up. He recalled every word of that woman clearly, and even the heat of the small bag and its dusty smell.
Unlike when he was a child, the part that Noah hated the most in this dream was the moment when Mason rescued him.
Of course, being rescued by Mason was sweet. Mason was nonetheless gentle and kind. He looked at him with indifferent eyes that grew warm and sympathetic. He took in his dirtiness and smelliness with pretty and lovely eyes, and then took off his clothes to wrap around Noah. He stretched his arms out and held him and whispered, ‘It’s okay now.’
At that moment he felt unbelievably relieved and fulfilled. The reason why Noah didn’t like the sweet and happy moment was because of what happened next.
‘Don’t leave me!’
Noah said earnestly. Mason wore a conflicted look and hugged him tightly. His embrace was comfortable and kind, but Noah knew that Mason would be leaving him soon. When he closed his eyes, he felt Mason leave. He wanted to grab him and stop him, but his body couldn’t move.
It was dreadful that Mason was leaving. Unlike any other part of the dream, Mason’s departure was not the end of the story. He could imagine other things as being in the past, but Mason abandoning him was always in the present progressive tense.
A soft hand stroking his head pulled Noah out of his nightmare. He opened his eyes, and Mason was right in front of him, and Noah thought he was still dreaming. If it weren’t for the bag on the floor and Mason’s desperate expression of wanting to leave, he would have kept thinking of it as a dream.
“Um, this is physiological…..”
“It’s because you kept pressing on it”, Mason said in a bit of panic. Noah erotically stroked the hair over Mason’s ear to the back.
“I think it was like this even a while ago.”
Noah whispered, “Look.”
“…Are you turned on because I pressed on your dick just a little?”
Noah said as he grabbed Mason’s penis on top of his clothes. Mason’s ears turned red as he saw the penis-shaped bump that already felt hard and wet. Noah rubbed Mason’s warm earlobe and stared at his face.
‘If I looked at him objectively, his face probably doesn’t show any likeness…’ However, Noah felt like he couldn’t be objective in front of him anymore. Haley, who had dyed his hair black and wore a panicked expression, completely resembled Mason now.
Although Mason had never made such an expression before.
Noah pushed Mason’s shoulders so that he couldn’t get up from the bed and roughly took off his pants.
“Stop it, Mr. Raycarlton!”
Mason was panting as he caught Noah’s arms. Startled, Noah sighed and grinned flatly.
“Why? Are you gonna go out with this horny body? And what are you gonna do? You don’t even have that hideous dildo that was in your bedroom.”
“–That is,”
“Oh my, you thrust that thing in and play with it?” Whether Noah was amazed or being sarcastic Mason couldn’t tell, and his face turned pale. He remembered Haley’s shocking collection and that simply hideous dildo. He was about to get rid of them, but it was too late now to regret leaving those toys untouched for the sake of loyalty between men.
While Mason was panicking, Noah suddenly bit his neck. It was the same spot where he left his mark the last time. When the lustful lips and warm breath touched his shoulders, Mason cowered and Noah whispered.
“Are you gonna grab another man outside?”
It seemed like Mason’s movements bothered Noah, so he took off Mason’s t-shirt and skillfully wrapped it around his wrists.
“Wouldn’t it be better to first check if I’m good enough or not?”
“No, I’m…”
There was no time to check if it was better or not. Mason’s was panicking as his body burned and responded to Noah who was licking his lips with some teeth. Noah softly sucked at his bottom lip and bit it lightly with his front teeth. With Noah’s urging, Mason’s parted his lips. He thought, ‘No, this is not it,’ but his eyes got blurry and his thighs trembled. Damn, Haley’s body. Mason relented and gave in to his tongue. Noah’s kiss turned deeper and more sticky.
Noah tugged the back of Mason’s head and pulled him up. Noah’s tongue lewdly plunged inside to open the lips more. It wrapped around Mason’s tongue, licked the ceiling of his mouth and sucked on his lips. His lips licked Mason’s and his low-pitched breath touched his cheek.
“Hugh, -,”
Mason couldn’t hold in his moans as Noah’s hands stroked his waist. Noah’s lips licked Mason’s ear, panting, and he bit the cheek below his ear. Mason trembled, trying to escape from the unbearable pleasure, and Noah grabbed his waist and forcefully sucked his neck.
“Look at you.”
‘Are you gonna go out like this?’ Noah asked in disbelief. His harsh breaths tickled Mason’s neck, and his hands grabbed his swollen nipples.
“Fuck, erecting your nipples like this-…”
“Heek, sto,”
Mason bucked his waist, feeling hot enough that it was painful. Noah’s nails painfully scratched at his nipples and on his chest. He licked Mason’s neck and bit his chest. His hands scratched Mason’s chest and slowly moved beneath his bellybutton.
“Noah, please-….,”
Mason tried to hold onto his senses while feeling like going crazy with pleasure. Noah grabbed Mason’s dripping penis under the pants, after he took it off halfway.
“―,”
Noah rubbed Mason’s penis.
“Cum,” he whispered lewdly into Mason’s chest, and Mason closed his eyes tightly getting dizzy. And, as if he were hypnotized, he ejaculated. “Heek,” Mason froze and all the cum that he had been holding poured out of him. Noah bit his chest and smiled with satisfaction.
“It's really unsightly.”
Mason bit his teeth, feeling humiliated. Noah’s eyes were heated as he licked his lips.
“Haha-… fuck, your bottom is, huh? Your bottom is twitching, asking me to put it in quickly.”
“I did’t even touch it yet though.” Noah sucked Mason’s thigh deeply as if he couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Sto, stop it. I’m…”
Mason gasped and was barely able to speak. It didn't make sense when his whole body was burning with pleasure and sweated and already came, but resisting, but he desperately resisted in his own way. Unlike the other times, it wasn't the time him recalling Noah from 10 or 20 years ago and feeling pity towards him. He couldn’t understand it himself, but these weird feelings of guilt and sorrow were holding his senses.
“Noah, heut–!”
Noah didn’t listen to Mason. He rubbed Mason’s cum onto his thighs and grabbed his butt. And just like he had said, he put his finger inside the twitching anus.
“Open your legs.”
Noah, who was breathing heavily, ordered Mason, as if he didn’t spread his legs he would rip out the piercing. Mason called out, “Noah… Mr. Raycarlton!”
“I wasn’t trying to…”
Mason tried desperately, but Noah cut him short and pulled the piercing. “Heet!” Mason grabbed Noah’s arm, fearful and in pain, thinking that his skin was going to be ripped apart. Noah said,
“Open, Mason.”
“Open your leg, Mason.” -Mason, who was trying to push his hand away, stopped immediately.
“…-,”
…What did he just say? Mason lifted his head and stared at Noah. His pretty eyes were burning lewdly with fever.
“Just now,”
“Just now what did you….”, Mason stuttered, and Noah opened Mason’s thighs that had lost all their power as if he couldn’t hear anything and pushed his finger in. His wet finger lustfully and vulgarly rubbed the inside. Mason swallowed his moan, struggling with his confusion. His body was burning and his head was cooling; Mason thought he was going crazy. Soon Noah took out his sticky wet finger, and Mason became completely listless and panted harshly. Mason’s penis spattered some cum at the chilling sensation of his finger sliding out.
Ah, fuck. Mason ground his teeth. So many things happened while living in Haley’s body, but he was never as mad as now since he couldn’t move it however he wanted. He wanted to ask, ‘What are you talking about, why did you call me Mason?’ but his body was in heat and panting. His whole body got goose bumps and the body temperature rose and it was itching everywhere. Just like Noah said, his nipples were erect and his anus was twitching. The body became so relaxed that he felt his energy drain. He was too tired, but all his blood rushed to his lower body that he wanted Noah to keep touching.
Noah, who had already unbuckled and took out his penis, approached with eyes that got blurry due to heat and kissed Mason.
“I told, you to sto,”
It was clear, that the intention of his kiss was a simple peck. He sucked Mason’s lips, comforting him and stroked Mason’s thighs with his hand and made Mason to wrap around his waist. This really wasn’t right. Mason’s vision almost blurred to blackness in desperation at that moment.
“-,”
When he came to, he tasted salty blood on his lips. Noah raised his head, a bit surprised, as Mason glared at him, panting. Noah touched his lips that was bleeding because it got ripped and soon chuckled.
“-You didn’t like it that much?”
“To go so far?” Noah tilted his head as if he didn’t understand Mason who had bit his lips.
“I, I have an illness, so my body is a little… as you can see how it’s like, but-…, I thought I already told you.”
“To stop it.” Mason said while calming his breath. He couldn’t think straight because his vision was blurred with heat. Panting as he spoke, as if he had taken a drug, wasn’t persuasive at all, but he didn’t have any other choice.
“Let me go.”
Mason said to Noah, who was still holding his thighs apart. If he started to touch his body again, he wouldn’t able to do anything because of the overwhelming pleasure, but still. Mason wanted to leave this place at once like crazy. He thought he should go to a rehab or get treated. As for the diamond piercing in front of his anus, even if he died of embarrassment, Mason decided to go to either a piercing store or a hospital and have it removed.
“You really came in here to pick up your bag,”
Noah wiped the blood dripping on his lips and chin with the back of his hand and mumbled. Mason said, “Definitely. I didn’t come here for this,” and backed away. Noah seemed like he’d cooled down and with a languid expression let go of Mason.
Mason crouched on his trembling legs and untangled his clothes. Mason glanced at his still erect penis pathetically and pulled up his underwear that had slipped all the way down to his ankle and looked up. Noah was standing there staring at him and watching everything he was doing.
“An, and…, I am not Mason. Aside from rape or not, calling other man’s name on the bed is…”
“Ah, right.”
Noah cut short Mason’s word as if he didn’t want to listen to it anymore. He stroked back his wet hair and picked up Mason’s bag on the floor.
“Even yesterday you asked who you would be if you are not Haley Lusk.”
“….That bag is just…., I have to give it back to Mason later.”
Mason made an excuse that he was obligated to do so. He felt like Noah already knew everything, but still he couldn’t make himself say that, ‘Yes, I’m Mason.’ Nobody can prove it unless you cut him open anyway. No, even if he was cut open, unless Mason says so himself, no one can prove it.
Even before today, if Noah had asked, ‘Are you Mason?’…. he wasn’t sure what would he have answered. And now he couldn’t reveal himself more anyway. Revealing to someone who he really was, in that body, would be like an exercise in punishment with no limits. For Mason, Noah was someone that he wanted to protect, and he didn’t want to look unsightly to him. No matter what Noah thought about him, Mason wanted to protect his pride.
“Okay. You are definitely Haley Lusk who once said, ‘you should sleep with me at least once, I’m fantastically good at it, so let me borrow your dick at least once’.”
Noah said sarcastically and laughed coldly. Mason looked away from Noah erotically stroking his bleeding lips and repeated, “…That is, just like I said before, I have amnesia…. I’m not like that anymore.”
“Just because I rejected sex once, telling me you are a different person, even if you have creative imagination, there should be a limit. If you are just teasing me…-,”
“Please stop. I’m sick of it.”
“The one who should stop is you.”
Noah sighed quietly and said, “I asked you to stop.” He grabbed and pulled Mason’s hair. Noah’s face moved closer, and Mason stopped breathing. His green eyes were staring straight into Mason.
“….You are Mason.”
Noah growled, and Mason answered right away.
“Say something that makes sense.”
Mason looked at him like he was a crazy person and his lips twisted in a smile.
“Look at me carefully. I am not Mason.”
‘No matter how crazy you are, if you’d just look at me then you’ll know.’ -Mason said, while facing Noah’s green eyes.
The one whose eyes shook first was Noah’s. His face slowly creased for the first time.
“-…,”
Mason, who was preparing to firmly reject one more time, managed to just move his lips.
“…-I knew you would say that.”
Noah tilted his head as if he was going to smile, but it was a strange, creased expression that was neither smiling nor crying.
“I knew it. Who am I for you to reveal that to me? I knew it, so you didn’t have to reject it like that.”
“I’m-…,”
‘I’m not,’ Mason panicked and swallowed his words looking at Noah’s expression, which said he was going to cry soon. Noah let go of the hand holding Mason’s hair and said,
“I never expected you to say that you are Mason by yourself. That kind of special treatment, I never even dreamed of it.”
Noah bent his body down in front of Mason as if he was going to kneel. His breath fell close to Mason’s neck and touched his cheek.
“I thought I wouldn’t mind who you are pretending to be, as long as you just stay by my side…” his tone started to plead.
“-…Yes, it’s okay if you don’t stay by my side.”
Noah said, looking as if he was trying to hold it in. His appearance was as helpless and small as a child looking at something that could not be strangely possessed.
“If you want to leave so much, it’s okay to live elsewhere.”
“….-,”
“I really hate it, but…. It’s okay still. You are not the person who listens to me anyway… fuck, if you want to leave to that fucking war…-, I probably can’t hold onto you, in the end.”
Noah, with words pouring out of him, had tears falling for a while now from his bitterly smiling eyes. Mason stopped breathing, watching Noah’s tears fall on his cheeks and knees, and froze just like that.
“……”
Noah saw his tears fall on Mason’s cheeks and thought, ‘Ah, so this is the limit to my head.’ He thought he was acting like this because of the alcohol, but it wasn’t. It was just that his head, which had been rotting ever since he was a child, had reached its limit.
Noah himself knew that it didn’t make any sense. ‘One person’s soul switching into another?’ This was neither a movie nor a drama, but the reality. ‘There was no way for such an illogical thing to happen’, Noah thought this multiple times. 'What if I couldn’t acknowledge that Mason was dead and so I went crazy and was now holding onto some stranger?' There was such anxiety throughout his heart.
But he was just like Mason and looked more like him every time. …. so Noah hoped that he was Mason.
Noah believed that he was Mason, because simply imagining that he might not be Mason and that Mason is already dead would make him go crazy.
Even still, if he was indeed Mason, he won’t stay by his side or treat him specially. He just saved him and comforted him once or twice. There was no way he was going to take him out of this hell.
Noah still didn’t want to accept that Mason was dead.
“I knew I was being greedy.”
He was impatient because he wanted to keep him by his side. He thought if he tied him up such that he couldn’t leave then everything was going to be fine. Even if he didn’t care or love him, Mason would at least be next to him. Actually, he would be satisfied just with that.
“You can leave if you don’t want to be my side. I’ll endure it even if we cannot meet forever like this.”
The part that Noah overlooked was that he and his opponent were not standing on the same line.
“But please don’t say that you are not.”
‘He might not be Mason,’ Noah was already at his limit when that short thought passed through him. It had been a while ago, since that gnawing sensation in his mind was silent.
“Please, don’t say you are not in this world.”
He looked at himself with a frozen expression. Noah laughed bitterly as he watched his distorted face reflected in his clear blue eyes. It didn’t appear like he was laughing, though. Noah earnestly wished that he would at least feel some pity or a tiny bit of compassion. He kneeled in front of him and begged him and pleaded in a whisper.
“Even if it’s not so, say I’m right.”
Noah sighed lowly and held Mason’s cheek that had goose bumps on it and said, “Please say that you are Mason.”
“Otherwise, I might shoot my head.”
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Hello! This is end of Chapter 19! Almost there!
And guys! we're planning to change the schedule of Kill the Lights!
From now on we are going to update it every Thursday! It's taking me a while because these parts are long and I don't want to cut it..... I know today is Friday... (I was trying to post it yesterday but fell asleep lol) but it'll be on Thursday from now on!
Continue to Chapter 20
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